A Poem For Tanner

A child was sent

Right from above

A child was hurt

A child was loved

This child so hurt

With windex in eyes

Her mother is screaming,

Wailing, and cries.

The brother cares little

As thrown on his bed

Not one tear from his eye

Nor apology was said.

The baby was fine

Not hurt, not at all

Little did she know,

Into more trouble she'd fall

The brother just watched

As a poor baby drowned

In silence he sat,

He did not make a sound

The mother came in

And scooped her up quick

The baby, still fine,

Saw through his cruel trick

The child grew smarter

She had tricks up her sleeves

She knew what to do

And she knew how to tease

The boy stayed away

As the years passed

The boy was a wuss

When he was harassed

As they grew old

And a new trial was faced

There friendship became

It was tied, it was laced

As girl grew to woman

And boy grew to man

They'll walk through this life

friends, hand in hand

-Me

This is a poem i wrote for my brother who is serving a mission. The purpose for it mostly is to tease him....but i thought it turned out pretty well considering it was on the spot. So here is kinda our story together. In my memory.

-Me

I Am Me...

Have you ever just randomly come to a realization that you are yourself. I know it sounds crazy. But has it ever just slapped you in the face one day and you feel like it is the strangest conclusion. How crazy it is to be someone. To be you even. To think that you are doing all these things in your life....most of them without even thinking about it. You just live. Naturally without any help from yourself, without much effort at all. And you wonder, what makes up this person, the person you are being?

I find it the most frustrating thing of all to not be able to see myself. i only see through my eyes and i see my arms and my hands and the brim of my nose, and my feet. But i never know what i look like from the outside. I am me. Its weird. I always ask myself when the real feelings come. the ones from me.....not the ones i think i feel, the stupid cliché feelings that everyone has. The more i come to a realization that i am a person, myself, the more i wonder who this person is. What i really like, what i really don't. What i really think about something, and how strong i feel or don't feel about it.

You are probably like, "what the heck were you doing your whole life before you figured this one out?!", to tell you the truth, i don't know. I floated along, trapped inside a person i thought i was. Not what i ACTUALLY was. How do you know who someone actually is? I think its in those moments where the world is blurred away and you are too tired to think, and to put on your face that day...and you don't care. You are real. honest. raw. simple.

I think most of us play it safe. Its a game, life to us is a game. We care too much. We shouldn't but we do. At least i do. I care what people think. I play it safe. HOW in the WORLD am i EVER going win if im always playing it safe. I want to win. I think most of us do. I don't think anyone is in this to lose.

I think that no one wants to put themselves out there because, people are just down right mean, and careless, and they take your precious thoughts and your precious self, and your dreams.....and crush them. Because they are scared too. Because they are too worried about their face they have on to notice. It should be the reverse. We are so strong inside, its the outside of us thats weak, not the other way around!

I have this weird OCD, where i always think that myself inside is a completely different than my outside, my actual body. But i start to realize that the inside me is also connected to my skin. it is one, it is a whole. ME.

You should be honored that you are yourself. God matched it perfectly after all. We are so important and strong and worth something that God has our names written in the stars, in the heavens, in everything around us, and even in his heart and soul. Thats pretty amazing. We must be pretty dang important. We have so much impact on everything. How exciting that we get to do stuff that no one else in the world does, we get to be someone that no one else will ever get to be. No one will ever be the same as you. And its not an accident. You were made specifically. Customized.

I know i probably sound like a raving crazy woman....but thats okay with me. Some of this stuff has probably never even crossed your mind, and if it has....im excited that im not the only one.

(This could also have something to do with that i am unbelievable tired and my eyes are rolling in my head....but i like to think not entirely)

-Me

And The Pages Will Turn...

I have turned quite a few pages or chapters in my life recently. I just graduated from hair school, AND took my GED (since i wasn't able to graduate from high school) the good news i found out after taking this 6 hour test is that i passed!! I was rather surprised at how well i did....because im sure you have had that feeling at least once in your life where you are taking a test and your brain is just buzzing....and you don't know if any of your answers are right anymore. And then one of your butt cheeks ache and you think "oh crap, how the hell am i supposed to finish this thing!" Then across the room there is a guy who finishes his section in half your time....and you start to wonder if your really being that slow. It sure feels like it. You see all the adults in the room trying to pass their second attempt and its sad...and then you start to panic again thinking "This must be a lot harder than i thought" BUT you know, i guess all this stuff didn't matter cuz i did pretty awesome! I am SOOOOOOO glad i don't have to take it again. AS for hair school, i am glad to be rid of it. I was so done being treated like trash and talking to strangers and touching peoples flakey scalps and having to be nice........but this is just what i will be doing after anyway i guess....just under my own terms.

My mom, sister, and i went to Idaho for the weekend to visit my grandparents. lets just say this right off....i don't like idaho. period. BUT it was going to be kind of a celebration and relaxing trip for us all. we needed it. plus easter is a big holiday in my family and grandma and grandpa have usually been a part of that. We ended up having alot of girl time, got pedi's, went to a bodies museum, went shopping at the mall (swim suits yessss!!!) and at some random thrift stores where we got a few things. I love shopping. so much. While staying at my grandmother's house i was so inspired by her delicious meals she made EVERY NIGHT. i thought that was pretty inspiring....since at my house that doesn't happen. So i decided since i have some more time on my hands that cooking more often at home for my mother would be a great idea...and would teach me a few things before im gone. I think it sounds soooo fun:) i DID want to be a chef when i was younger. i found out i was too picky though.

I am such a home body i am worried about myself. I will never have a life if i don't break through every comfort zoned bone in my body....and im pretty sure not all of them are supposed to be broken. I go hangout with karlee and another select few but....i need to start doing more than that. Really. This is where the dating is supposed to begin. I don't want to be an old cat lady.

-Me

Ideality, the definition

Ideality describes the disposition towards perfection, towards beauty and refinement in all aspects of life. 


doesn't that describe it perfectly?? :) i think so.


-Me

Homesick

yes. i am homesick. homesick for St. George.....homesick for being just at my house at Highland. A year is a long time to not be able to spend as much time as you want in either of those places. There are little things i miss. I miss the rain storms in St. George where the wind is warm..and the lightning lights up the red rock mountains....and the rain drops are warm on your skin and smell like a sugared ocean. I miss the early spring time where there is actually such a season. The green plants, and the perfect weather. I miss knowing everyone around me. I miss being able to live with my kitty princess and falling asleep with her at night, and her happening to come to me while i am crying. i miss actually enjoying swimming. i miss sitting outside getting heatstroke while you try and tan. I miss finding secret ways to sneak in and out of my house . I miss lighting my candles and scrapbooking to my heart's content in my giant bonus room. i miss being in my element and knowing exactly who i was. I miss sleeping on a queen sized mattress. I miss thinking the mall was the coolest place on earth. I miss taking photobooth pictures with jocelyn, at the mall and on our mac's. I miss having my long hair. I miss getting all dolled up everyday for no reason. i miss those kirkland weightloss chocolate shakes. I miss walking on the temple grounds. I miss sleeping in. i miss talking to jocelyn for hours on the phone with jocelyn for no reason at all. I miss crying when i left on a humanitarian trip for a week because i missed jocelyn. I miss calling her on the roof of a hospital in mexico so i could get reception. I miss getting engaged to mexicans named oscar when im only thirteen. I miss spending as much time as i want at the Cluff's house. I miss staying up late and talking with Sarah. I miss playing store with the girls. I miss being rich. I miss being able to sleep with my door open and my fan going. I miss my fan. I miss mirrors and expo markers. I miss having a bigger bedroom with lots of windows. I miss sitting on my roof at night. I miss sneaking out windows onto my roof and around the house to another window when i was being chased. I miss having only one person to live for, and getting my fill of attention. I miss reading my days away and going to the library for fun. I miss reading in the children's section. I miss not having to work. I miss having chores to do (don't tell my mom) I miss having a 0 stress level. I miss being able to hold my tongue. I miss late night walks and my conscience keeping me for toilet papering. I miss not being looked down upon for my age.  I miss the ring my dad made for my mom. I miss the dad i adored. I miss my brother. I miss my three year old sister that listened and believed everything i told her. I miss being able to describe a song and say "it sounded like a flower......or a rose" and get away with it. I miss playing with people's lips when the slept...and then when they get annoyed, snap their eyelids. I miss the tree house that i knocked down when i was possessed. I miss having my own garden. I miss fresh warm peaches straight from the tree. I miss that stupid old coconut my dad tried to grow. I miss my Great Aunt Kathy and uncle Jerry. I miss playing house in my Great Grandpa's basement. I miss watching my kitty sprawl out on the back sliding glass door rug to lay in the sun. I miss making gum out of wheat and peppermint. I miss fresh salsa and fresh jerky. I miss my old giant pantry. I miss Christmas time in my little house when my sister still believed in santa. I miss going to my grandparent's house in corona and going to the beach and disneyland. I miss my black relatives, they are the best:) I miss psych continuously being on. I miss having enough time to shower and not having to choose it over sleep. I miss being in shape. I miss playing celine dion, josh groban, or shania twain really loud and singing along. I miss being able to play the piano. I miss sneakily wearing clear mascara when i wasn't allowed to wear it. I miss believing that Narnia was real. I miss president Hinkley. I miss when Obama wasn't president. I miss gas being like $1.27.

All in all, i miss alot of things. I could go on forever. The point being, it sucks to grow up....and it sucks even worse when everyone says "thats just the way life is" I decided to make a pact that i will never officially grow up. children judge less....AND they have more fun, plus they love more easily, imagine more easily etc. I will be responsibly childish. I will love other people and love myself, and i will create new fond and colorful memories everyday. I will be closer to God. I will be closer to my family, and closer to myself. I haven't been for a long time. I am going to be comfortable in my own skin. Life is to be enjoyed not jut endured. The only sad thing is.....None of you get to have all of the wonderful memories that i have. :) oh well.

If you share one of these memories listed above, feel free to comment:)

-Me